


Yer bum’s oot the windae.

by TheGreatestShowfansHuzzah



Category: The Greatest Showman (2017)
Genre: Crack, barlyle - Freeform, böts preemark, edinburgh 2k18, gary duke wrote this, huzzah!, too many cooks in the kitchen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-06-23 11:38:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15605466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGreatestShowfansHuzzah/pseuds/TheGreatestShowfansHuzzah
Summary: This was a collaborative effort by a group of fandom authors who wish to remain anonymous. You'll see why soon enough.





	Yer bum’s oot the windae.

**Author's Note:**

> This was a collaborative effort by a group of fandom authors who wish to remain anonymous. You'll see why soon enough.

It was a dark and stormy night.

 

Phillip Carlyle was reading by the candle light in his humble abode. Eating honey and bread in the silence of his comfy chair.

 

From outside the house he heard a strange noise.

 

“Oh no….BEES!” he cried, hastily shutting the window.

 

Luckily, at that point, one of the lamps knocked over and caught fire, creating a giant smoke cloud that chased away the bees. 

 

“Whew! Glad there’s no more chance of being stung. Burning alive is much better than that! Mmm, I smell like roasted peanuts."

 

“DID SOMEONE SAY PEANUTS?” PT Barnum burst through the window, sending splinters of glass everywhere. “I LOVE PEANUTS.”

 

Gently he chewed on Phiĺlip’s arm. “Delicious!”

 

“PT no! I'm not a peanut! I am a Phillip!”

 

“Shut up Phil we are burning alive...again. “

 

AND THEN HE WOKE UP.

 

“PT stop being sexy.”

 

“I can't!” He sobbed “I was born like this Phil. It's a curse.”

 

“Oh no we must break the sexy curse!”

 

“The only way to do it is if a prince awakens me from my slumber with a gentle and loving butt slap"

 

“Oh gosh, we must set off on a quest to find a prince right away!”

 

“Can I at least put on pants first?”

 

“No pants, we quest like real men!”

 

“In kilts, then!”

 

“Are there sheep under the kilt?”

 

“No but ewe can get under there if you want to."

 

“That was a sheep shot, even for you. Stop with the puns we must away on our dashing quest!”

 

And so they got on a boat headed for the nearest country with royalty.

 

Which happened to be England.

 

“Hey Queen Elizabeth. Eyyyyy I'm back. Trade you General Tom Thumb for a prince.”

 

Queen Elizabeth frowned.

 

“But Mr Barnum. The Prince was with you all along.”

 

He gasped.

 

“My Fillip…”

 

He gasped again.

 

“You are my pronce!” 

 

“The curse is broken!“

  
**PART TWO**

 

The sun was rising over the grey mist of London and Phillip woke with a sleepy grunt. 6am. He had never been a morning person.

 

That dream last night had been wild. Far too wild for his tastes. They were only visiting England so that PT and the acts could meet queen Victoria and gain a reputation with the upper class. He suspected the strange nightmares were a result of the strange tasting fish they were serving on the boat last night.

 

“Ready for the day, Phil?”

 

Barnum. Dressed and ready as always. Phillip was always in awe of how the man woke at the crack of dawn and still seemed to have energy.

 

“The day does not begin until 12. Morning is irrelevant and should be disposed of. Preferably by sleeping.” He dived back under the covers.

 

“C’mon we need to get going. We are meeting the queen in an hour. Which bowtie should I wear? Red and gold or paisley?” 

 

He held two ugly ties under the sleeping man’s nose.

 

Phillip screamed.

 

“PT! Is that all you brought with you?! Those are both so ugly. You can't meet the queen looking like that? She'll know your secret!”

 

“My… secret?”

 

“Your gay secret!”

 

“Oh no, not my gay secret…”

 

He threw both the bowties out of the window in horror. A brisk wind immediately sent them flying back in and they landed on Phillip's head.

 

“It's fate, then, I will wear both!” PT beamed.

 

“At the same time?”

 

“Yes, both. Both is good.”

 

“And the la de da man tights?”

 

“Wear one on your neck and one on your leg”

 

“Perfect to meet the queen.”

 

“Quick, let's get going before we are late. Don't want ol’ Queeny to get her knickers in a twist.”

 

“Are you planning on wearing anything  _ other  _ than bowties?”

 

“A fez.”

 

“On where, exactly? You have a hat already.”

 

“Gotta cover the noodle doodle. It's sensitive.”

 

“The queen doesn't want to see your dingle dangle scarecrow, PT.”

 

At that moment, Lettie walked in to inform them that it was nearly time to go. She took one look and promptly walked back out.

 

“I should grow a full body beard. I’d never have to wear pants again.” PT murmured.

 

A minute later, Anne walked in. “Lettie told me to come in here and tell you two to get ready. Unlike her, I have no compunction about staring at naked men and being unimpressed. So get ready and take off those ugly bow ties. White. Just white. Like the patriarchy.”

 

Fillip frowned. “But white makes my posterior look big…”

 

“I fail to see the issue with that,” Anne said.

 

(NO ANNE IN MY BARLYLE) 

 

Begrudgingly, they both got dressed. In old timey Speedos. (Did they even have speedos back then?? No one knows. But since when was The Greatest Showman historically accurate?)

 

“Oh boy!! Time to meet the queen. I better bring her a gift to make a good impression. Perhaps a burrito.”

 

“Yes burritos are good. Or maybe some tacos?”

 

“Or an elephant.”

 

“Or a flippy floppy hat!”

 

“Guys we are so late please just pick something up at Tescos on the way,” Anne sighed.

 

“Try not to get lost on the way again..”

 

“AGAIN?? What are you on about? I've never been lost in my life. Lost in your eyes maybe...”

 

Anne groans. “Gross.”

 

So they picked up some chunky spaghetti sauce and a box of porridge oats with a man in a kilt on the front to bring to the Queen and headed off to the palace.

 

They were escorted inside by three guards and brought into a large room. Entirely empty other than the queen who was sat on the floor in the middle.

 

“Mr Barnum. Pleasure to finally make your acquaintance. Did you bring me a gift?”

 

He threw the jar of sauce at her and knocked her out.

 

“Oh doodle. I murdered the queen. Guess I'll have to take her place. Better shave my legs.”

 

“PT… you just committed regicide by condiment. I think it's time to leave. Or at least hide.”

 

Barnum stopped shaving his legs to think for a moment. “Hmm. Guess you're right. Let's hide in the closet.”

 

“Smart to keep that straight razor and bar of soap and bowl and brush for mixing it and flask of water to mix it with in the secret compartment of your top hat, though.”

 

“Thank you. I also have several bananas up there for snacks. Speaking of which…”

 

He took out a banana to pad out his underwear. “Little Barnum hungers.”

 

Just then, the Queen's pet monkey ran into the room, grabbed the bananas and ran back out. 

 

“Easy come, easy go.”

 

Little high little low.

 

“To the closet then!” He declared. Dragging Phillip into a conveniently placed closet in the centre of the room. “They will never think to look here”.

 

“Mmm it smells like moist flesh in here. We should kiss.”

 

“Now is not the time, Phillip"

 

Phillip felt a smirk tug on his lips as he grabbed his partner by the tie in the small space and pulled him down to his height.

 

“Sorta dangerous don't you think? To kiss in the queens closet. Sorta...sexy.”

 

“Phillip I am not going to kiss you while an old lady's knickers are two inches from my face.”

 

Phillip rolled his eyes. “if you didn't want me to wear them you should have said!” he huffed. “It's a good thing I left the petticoats in the carriage.”

 

“Actually now that we are alone for a few minutes. There's something I've been meaning to ask you, Phil?” Barnum asked in a husky gruff voice.

 

“Oh?”

 

“Do you wanna…nipnip?”

 

“Good God…”

 

Barnum blinks. “I mean, I am but… Nipnips?” 

 

“Yes!” Phillip exclaimed, as Phineas took him deep into the closet. 

 

**[THE END]**

 

Sequel:  **_Barlyle Narnia AU the movie_ **

Coming to cinemas near you Cambridge Meet Up 2019

 

2019!? God, these productions take for fecking ever


End file.
